Affordable Boating Act...

[Dug]

For all you boaters . . .

The Affordable Boat Act

The U.S. government has just passed a new law entitled "The Affordable Boat Act" declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat by April, 2014. These 'affordable' boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance, or repair costs.

This law has been passed because, until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new law ensures that every American can now have an 'affordable' boat of their own, because everyone is 'entitled' to a new boat. If you purchase your boat before the end of the year, you will receive four 'free' life jackets (does not include monthly usage fees).

In order to make sure everyone purchases an 'affordable boat,' the cost of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain. But, to be fair, people who can't afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents boat(s) to party on until they turn 27, after which date they must purchase their own boat.

If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can't). If you don't want or don't need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can't afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment. If you cannot (or don't want to) purchase an 'affordable boat' from a private business, you can buy a starter boat from the U. S. government 'affordable boat exchange.' Such a boat will have the basic necessities (hull, oars or paddles) and will only cost 'slightly more' than a similar boat purchased from a private business. Plus, since your tax dollars will subsidize the purchase of a boat from the U. S. government's 'affordable boat exchange,' it will appear that you are getting a good deal.

Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert, ghettos, inner cities, or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Neither age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge, nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat.

A government review board (that doesn't know the difference between the port side, starboard side, or stern of a boat) will decide everything, including when, where, how often, and for what purposes you can use your boat, along with how many people can ride your boat. The board will also determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat, and will also decide if your boat has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories(like a $500 compass) or a newer and more expensive boat.

Those that can afford yachts will be required to do so ... it's only fair. The government will also decide the name for each boat. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free at the expense of tax payers. Unions, bankers, and mega companies with large political affiliations ($$$) are also exempt.

[Carl]

Dug, sounds fair and vaguely familiar...I just cannot put my finger on it.

By the way, will this new Affordable Boating Act cost us the Taxpayer anything>??? Can I be rest assured, this Act will not cost us even One Thin Dime??

[Bruce]

http://bertram31.com/newbb/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=9861" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Yannis]

Bruce and Dug, you ain't seen nothing yet. There are real sufferers!

[Stephan]

I like the boat I have now. Can I keep it?

[CaptPatrick]

I like the boat I have now. Can I keep it?

Sorry Stephan, Bertrams are too good and therefore don't meet the low standards that the government has set forth in the new boating act. You'll be forced to shop through an accepted online broker with a broke dick website and dealing only in bubble boats.

[IRGuy]

But what about all us old guys on Medicare?

Are we only allowed to own old boats, or what?

[Joseph Fikentscher]

There will be a "Dead Boat Panel" for the old guys. It will be decided for you if you're worth the effort to allow you to have, and license, and tax, and tax again, any type of watercraft.