Monday Funny

[Capt. DQ]

• Subject: Fire Fighters
  
  One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside
  the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into
  massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles
  around.
  
  When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
  company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret
  formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be
  saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out
  intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
  
  Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became
  desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the
  offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the
  company's secret files.
  
  From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
  into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire
  company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 55. To everyone's
  amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the
  newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
  
  Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the
  inferno.
  
  Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped
  off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It
  was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the
  Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret
  formulas.
  
  The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a
  superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to
  personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news
  reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief,
  
  "What are you going to do with all that money?"
  
  "Vell," said Scott Larson, the 56-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve
  gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

[MarkS]

True story!

[Bertramp]

Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday

[Capt. DQ]

WTF Mark, Go Figure, NaH!

Good one Bertramp.

[John Swick]

Got to love those Saskatchewan people!

A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island and went to a huge "everything under one roof department store" looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'one'.

The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him
a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine centre console. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition.'

The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The Saskatchewan farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy
Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's pretty well screwed -- you might as well go fishing!'

[Bertramp]

If his weekend was screwed before .... wait 'till he gets home !!

[Bertramp]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her "lower lips" reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.


Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.


Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.


Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'


The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'


'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'


'And what about the third rose?' she asked.


'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

[MarkS]

An actual 911 call from somwhere near Toothbrush Tennesee.
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Operator; 911 whats your emergency.

One toother; A..er my wife got bit by a wart hog er sumpthin and shes down and in bad shape, I need a ambulance!

operator; OK can you give me an address?

one toother; Yea, we's at 1919 Eucalyptus Dr.

operator; OK can you spell that for me?

one toother; A........eh.......a........I think i'll just drag er over to Oak street and you can pick er up over der.