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An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where
he was going at that time of night.



The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Great. Thanks

Two buddies were out on the town and really pouring it down. The first guy said to the second, "your wife is going to be pissed at you, she always gets mad when we go out and get liquored up!" "Aw screw her, she'll get over it" says the second guy. Bar time arrives and they are both smoked. As they are walking home the second guy starts to wretch and pukes down the front of his shirt. "Aw buddy, your wife is gonna "Hic" kick your "Hic" ass! "No she's "Hic" she's not" he says. "I got this all figured "Hic" out. I'm gonna take this here "Hic" $10.00 bill and put it in my shirt pocket and tell her some drunk "Hic" drunk puked on me and gave"HIc" me $10.00 to have my shirt cleaned!" "Wow that's pretty clever" says the first guy.

When he gets home she is waiting by the door with a steaming mad look on her face. "Just look at yourself! Your a drunkin slob you stink of whiskey you can't even stand up and you puked down the front of your new shirt, you're a disgrace!" "No no baby it's"Hic" not like that! A drunk puked on me and he put a $10.00 bill right here in my front pocket (taping his front shirt pocket) to have my shirt cleaned," he said. She reaches in to his front pocket and pulls out a $20.00. "you dumb ass you're so drunk you didn't even realize it was a $20.00" she says! He says to her, "Oh, thats right "Hic" I forgot, he shit my pants too!"

You have a great weekend too Steve!

Two guys are at the bar at closing time, both have had a few and it is pretty late. One says morosely to the other, well, it's gonna be the same old story, I'll shut my lights off halfway down the block, roll into the driveway, tiptoe up the front stairs and try to sneak into bed so she doesn't wake up and start screaming at me, but if she does wake up, I won't hear the end of it for a week.

"Buddy, you got it all wrong. I come screaming down the streat, screaching into the driveway, go running up the stairs, pull the covers right off the bed and SHOUT "are you as horny as I am?!!" she doesn't make a sound or move a muscle!"