Tools of the Trade

Tommy · Post by **Tommy** » Nov 29th, '11, 15:23

Given Ricky's trials and tribulations with the stubborn bolt, and vast wisdom shared by this learned group, I thought I would shed some additional light on the tools of the trade from an amateur's perspective.

Tommy

A handy man's Tool Guide

Drill Press:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:
(A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Harry Babb · Post by **Harry Babb** » Nov 29th, '11, 16:00

Thats a good one Tommy

The "Skill Saw" brings up a funny.......I fussed at a guy once for cutting a crooked line......he told me that's why its called a "Circular Saw".....what can you say....

hb

Dug · Post by **Dug** » Nov 29th, '11, 16:33

Another handy use for a screw driver is to ventilate the seat of your car or truck if you are not paying attention to where you store it.

Don't ask me when the vehicle is going in for a patch...

D

Carl · Post by **Carl** » Nov 30th, '11, 13:56

Dug wrote:Another handy use for a screw driver is to ventilate the seat of your car or truck if you are not paying attention to where you store it.

Don't ask me when the vehicle is going in for a patch...

D

Funny how that never happens to an old seat...

Rickysa · Post by **Rickysa** » Nov 30th, '11, 14:38

Those are so true

In Memory of Vicroy · Post by **In Memory of Vicroy** » Nov 30th, '11, 16:16

Managed to recently ruin one of my prize TSL t-shirts by getting a 4" side grinder tangled in it with me inside. Minor injury to me but major to the shirt. The good news is TSL just came out with a new line of t-shirts with some for $15 and I've ordered some new ones.

http://www.tropicstar.com/online-store/ ... parel.html

UV

IRGuy · Post by **IRGuy** » Nov 30th, '11, 18:01

UV...

The same thing happened to me several months ago.. had a 4" wire wheel in my side grinder.. it caught in the fabric of my tee shirt about 1" above my belly button, and before I knew what was happening it had wound up all the fabric and wire brushed an 8" long 3/4" wide strip across my belly.

It hurt so much I was almost afraid to look at what happened.. I really thought I had torn the skin open! I still have the scar! Believe me, it happened in an instant!

Since I work alone usually I try to be very safety conscious, but this came out of the blue! Live and learn!

coolair · Post by **coolair** » Nov 30th, '11, 23:17

Ya i was gonna say you forgot the part of the wire wheel were it slings needles at you. a few months back i was using a 4" angle grinder with 36 gritt sanding disk, it caught my shirt, which is ruined and i now have a 3" long scare on my gut. But the SOB tool is by far the best, i have alot of those!

Tony Meola · Post by **Tony Meola** » Nov 30th, '11, 23:35

Frank & Matt

Watch out, once a tool tastes blood it wants more.

IRGuy · Post by **IRGuy** » Dec 1st, '11, 09:56

Tony... :-)

I think it is a given that those of us who use power tools a lot are going to have accidents.. even when we are aware of the risks. Over the years I have cut off the end of a finger, cut a knee open, had several major cuts on my left hand, all of which caused some nerve damage, and from kickback on my table saw mangled my thumb. My best one was while trimming out my new house I managed to fasten my left thumb to a piece of crown moulding with a pneumatic nailer, while standing on an 8' step ladder. I still can't figure out how that happened. I had no other tools at my disposal and was nailed to the ceiling. I immediately realized my options were limited. Clenched my teeth and pulled my finger off the finishing nail. If it had been a common nail I would have been screwed!

My 12 year old grandson wants me to teach him how to use tools.. I had to tell my daughter and son in law that they had better be prepared for a few trips to the hospital.

Russ Pagels · Post by **Russ Pagels** » Dec 1st, '11, 10:40

Thanks UV, you can't by tee shirts cheaper than that....Russ

Bruce · Post by **Bruce** » Dec 1st, '11, 10:51

My proper tool usage started out when at the grand old age of 4, some brain surgeon decided to buy me a tool kit for my birthday.

Now remember back in the 50's and 60's riding down the highway in the back window was considered safe and there was no such thing as plastic tools or a government trying to regulate everything.

So the tool set came with hammer, screw drivers, pliers and such along with screws, nails and carpet tacks.

I swallowed the box of carpet tacks thinking they were some kind of candy my brother tells me.

As kids our Christmas tree lights were run off a variac transformer so the lights wouldn't get so hot and set fire to the tree dad figured.

My brother got an old lamp cord and plugged it in to the variac and would turn it down and made me hold the two bare wire ends and then would slowly turn up the voltage till I couldn't hold on to it anymore. I'd do the same to him.

He went on to be a CEO of a fortune 500 company and well I went on to be a CEO of a fortune not company. Guess who got the higher dosage.

Dumber than a box of rocks and 50 years later not much better.

Watch that grinder UV, I've lost a nipple just to that very thing. Or was it a squirrel I thought was dead and picked up, can't rightly remember now.

IRGuy · Post by **IRGuy** » Dec 1st, '11, 11:02

Bruce...

I make it a point to never use a tool near my nipples!

mike ohlstein · Post by **mike ohlstein** » Dec 1st, '11, 14:44

Bruce wrote:My proper tool usage started out when at the grand old age of 4, some brain surgeon decided to buy me a tool kit for my birthday.

Amature.

Real trouble makers got chemisrty sets......

dougl33 · Post by **dougl33** » Dec 1st, '11, 15:08

Is the moral of this story to use a wire wheel while naked?

TailhookTom · Post by **TailhookTom** » Dec 1st, '11, 15:58

I believe a codpiece -- a metal codpiece is what this group needs!

Bruce · Post by **Bruce** » Dec 1st, '11, 16:40

mike ohlstein wrote: Amature.

Real trouble makers got chemisrty sets......

Mike,
That came at 8 years old when I set my bed on fire shoving a burner under the bed I was supposed to use only under adult supervision as my mom came up the stairs.

Open the door Bruce she said a few minutes later as I was trying to rid the room of smoke. The neighbor called and wondered why there's smoke coming out of your window. What's going on. And what is that rotten egg smell?

After that all I got as presents were clothes.

mike ohlstein · Post by **mike ohlstein** » Dec 1st, '11, 19:10

Between the chemestry set, the vial of mercury, the asbestos pajamas, and the always open fifth floor window, it's a wonder that I survived to become a motorcycle racer.....

bertram31.com

Tools of the Trade

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