Capt. Patrick....Texas funny
Posted: Aug 3rd, '11, 09:53
got this from a fellow engineer who moved to texas in the past year....
I about sh*t my pants laughing;
Dear diary, just moved to Texas
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 10th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
June 12th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used
to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting
used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 5th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 10th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up
to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car
now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more
pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 18th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot
as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman
charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 21st:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and
I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come
here?
July 24th:
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
July. 26th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to
strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
July 30th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the
seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the
seat. I lost 2 layers of
flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car
smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 1:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot
and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months
and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it
ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700
worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't
live in this damn heat.
Aug. 2nd:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot
to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The
installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for
you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.
Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live
here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
This guy used to think a yankee heatwave of mid 90's was hot....Hahahaha!!
Hope ya'll have a good time in greenport!!
I about sh*t my pants laughing;
Dear diary, just moved to Texas
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 10th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
June 12th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used
to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting
used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 5th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 10th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up
to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car
now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more
pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 18th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot
as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman
charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 21st:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and
I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come
here?
July 24th:
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
July. 26th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to
strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
July 30th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the
seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the
seat. I lost 2 layers of
flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car
smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 1:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot
and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months
and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it
ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700
worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't
live in this damn heat.
Aug. 2nd:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot
to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The
installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for
you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.
Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live
here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
This guy used to think a yankee heatwave of mid 90's was hot....Hahahaha!!
Hope ya'll have a good time in greenport!!
