Morning funnies

[Bruce]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went
to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn 't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

___

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

___

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

___

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

___

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was p regnant?

"Is it mine?"

___

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "

___


SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kindergarten teacher; to get to the other side.

Plato; For the greater good.

Aristotle; It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Karl Marx; It was an historical inevitability.

Timothy Leary; Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

Capt. James T. Kirk; To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Louis Farrakhan; The road you see, represents the black man. The chicken "crossed" the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

Moses; And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken "Thou shalt cross the road" and the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Moulder; You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Richard M. Nixon; The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat the chicken did NOT cross the road.

Machiavelli; The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Jerry Seinfeld; Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

Sigmund Freud; The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Oliver Stone; The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather , it is "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Darwin; Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Einstein; Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Ralph Waldo Emerson; The chicken did not cross the road, it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway; To die. In the rain

[MarkS]

Ole was in a terrible car accident! A semi crossed the center line and hit Ole head on! He was in court and the attorney for the cartage company says to Ole, "Mr Olson, did you or did you not claim to be just fine to the officer on the scene shortly after the accident?" "Vell," Ole said, "You zee I vuz driving my Dodge in wit my best cow Bessie in da trailor vit me," The attorney interupts, "Thats not what I asked Mr Olson, let me ask again, did you or did you not tell the officer at the scene that you were just fine?" "Vell, it was like dis" Said Ole, Me and Bessie vas on our way in when," Again the attornney interupts. "Judge would you please instruct Mr Olson to answer my question?" The judge pauses and says, "Lets just hear what he has to say council." Disgusted the attorny heads to his chair. "Go ahead Mr Olson'" says the judge. "Vell it vas like I sed, me and Bessie vas on our vay into town ven dis semi crossed da center line and head me smack in da front of my Dodge. I flew out von side and bessie, vell she flew out a da trailer and landed in da utter ditch" I could hear her she was yust moaning and crying I could tell she vas in a bad vay. Da officer vent over to her and assesd dat she was really bad and so he pulled his pistol and shot her der on da spot. Vit his pistol still in his hand he cam over to me and said, Ole, are you OK? At dat point Judch yost vat da fok vas I gonna say?"

[moguls2go]

An American tourist was hiking in the Scottish highlands and became thirsty so he stopped into a pub for a beer. He walked in and the pub was empty except for the bar keep and an old man nursing a pint. The tourist ordered his beer and, after 5 minutes of silence, the old man turned and said "Do you see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands. I searched the county for the finest available timber, I treated it more tenderly than I treated my own children. But do they call me 'MacGregor the Bar Builder'? NO!". He then turned and pointed out a window and said "Do you see that stone wall? I built that stone wall with my bare hands. I found each stone, placed it just so, working in the wind and the rain. But do they call me 'MacGregor the Stone Wall Builder'? NO!! He turned and pointed out the other pub window and said "Do you see that pier? I built that pier with my bare hands. I drove the pilings into the sand, I fought the tide, I placed each plank one by one, but do they call me 'MacGregor the Pier Builder'? NO!!!'. ............ "But you f*ck one goat."

[IRGuy]

A blonde found out she was pregnant, and being single called her mother (also a blonde) for advice on what to do...

When she told her mother her immediate comment was.. "Let's be sure who is to blame.. are you sure the baby is yours?"

[Dug]

http://safeshare.tv/v/ss564899c87c19e